A Day With Auntie Bella
by Cattyline
Summary: Everyone sees him as the cold, aloof, rich Slytherin. Everyone sees her as the crazy, obsessive, and every-other-synonym-for-insane Death Eater. Put them together, however, and the picture becomes unrecognizably...odd.
1. Cackling Is Better Than An Alarm Clock

**A/N : First story. Hope you like it. That's all I'm gonna say, as of now :)**

**Disclaimer : As much as I would like to claim it as mine, it's all J.K. Rowling's. Kudos to her.**

Complete darkness. Complete stillness. Complete silence. Except for the quiet ticking of a watch.

_Tick….tick….tick…._

Something stirred. The creature emitted a snuffling noise and rolled over, burrowing further into its den.

_Tick….tick….tick…._

Suddenly, a loud POP broke the silence. At the same time, a figure appeared out of thin air and waved its hands around. At once, the heavy green curtains burst open, causing bright sunlight to flood the room. The creature jolted awake and yelled in fright at the sight of the tall woman cackling loudly in the middle of the room. She seemed to be in a stage of insanity, from her wild hair to her disheveled attire to the crooked stick in her hand. The creature, on the other hand, had revealed itself to be a teenage boy with a shock of white-blond hair sticking up in all directions. His bedroom, illuminated by the sunlight streaming through the large windows by the bed, was decorated with a simple silver and green theme, not too overbearing but quite obvious. Lining the walls and floor were a desk, an expensive-looking broomstick, several scraps of parchment, some crumpled robes, and a large bed, in which lay the sleepy-eyed boy, who was rubbing his eyes and looking quite cross.

"Urgh, must you do that every morning?!" Draco complained groggily, shielding his eyes from the blazing sunlight.

"Oh, Draco, darling!" Bellatrix trilled, "It's time for our daily Occlumency lesson!"

Draco groaned and threw the emerald green bedcovers over his head, hiding from both the sun and his crazy aunt, only to have them yanked off and thrown on the floor.

"Come along, dearie! It's already seven o'clock, and you haven't begun your day!" His Auntie Bella turned to leave the room, but paused and pointed her wand over her shoulder, causing the covers to disappear and the curtains to chain themselves to the wall. "Those sheets needed to be washed anyways. And if you hurry down to breakfast, I might even teach you the spell to unlock those curtains." She flashed a malicious grin and ran down the stairs, shutting the door behind her.

Draco rolled his eyes. How could it be, he thought, that Bellatrix hated almost everyone she knew except him? Sometimes, he'd rather take the torture than his aunt's insufferable coddling, directed towards him and no one else. Sighing, Draco pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Both his parents and his aunt hated it when he wore Muggle clothing. According to his father, "Malfoys do not dress like commoners. They dress professionally." However, Draco wasn't planning on going out that day, so he could at least annoy his aunt without looking like a bum to anyone else.

The teenage boy leisurely walked through the maze that was Malfoy Manor until he finally reached the dining room. Sitting around the table having breakfast were his father Lucius at the head, his mother Narcissa to the right, and his aunt Bellatrix to the left. Draco paused, wondering whom to sit by, and chose the lesser of two evils, sliding into the seat next to his mother. Bellatrix looked slightly crestfallen when she saw this and even more so when she noticed Draco's attire.

"Draco. What are you wearing?" asked Bellatrix, trying to use nonchalance to cover up her annoyance. It did not work.

"Clothes, obviously," sneered Draco, piling his plate with eggs and sausages.

"Draco, do not talk to your aunt in such a tone," interjected Narcissa.

Draco rolled his eyes and muttered, "Yeah, whatever" underneath his breath. He knew that no matter how he talked to his aunt, she wouldn't care, as long as he didn't go too far. That might elicit some punishment…

"Lucius, tell him!" Narcissa turned to her husband for support.

"Narcissa, Draco is old enough to know what to say and what not to say," Lucius replied distractedly, intently scanning the Daily Prophet he held in front of his face.

Meanwhile, Bellatrix had been ignoring this and continued to stare at her nephew's attire. Draco assumed that she was formulating some plans that would involve him wearing a suit while torturing innocent people. He quickly shoveled the rest of his eggs into his mouth, gulped down his pumpkin juice, and stood up, intending to rush up to his room before Bellatrix could stop him.

He was too slow.

"Draco! Where do you think you're going?" Bellatrix grinned evilly. "You just can't wait to have lessons with your favorite auntie, can you?"

"Uh, right, lessons. Well, Auntie Bella, I still have some homework. I mean, summer vacation has just begun. I should probably get started on Charms…." His voice trailed off as Bellatrix shot him a glare that could have incapacitated small children.

"Draco Malfoy, if I didn't know any better, I would think that you prefer learning that Charms filth to studying with your own aunt!" screeched Bellatrix, waving her wand around threateningly. "How dare you suggest such a thing!"

"No, I didn't mean that," replied Draco quickly. He knew that at least once a day, his aunt went crazy on someone. Today, it just happened to be him, just after breakfast even. She might be able to squeeze in two conniptions today, mused Draco. "I was just saying that, you know, if I get it done early, then I have the rest of the summer to spend with you?" He ended the statement as a question, unsure whether this would calm the madwoman standing before him.

"Oh. Of course, dear, how could I ever believe you would prefer that useless subject to your dear auntie's teaching? Silly me," Bellatrix jabbered, rapidly changing from insane-and-slightly-frightening Death Eater back to his auntie, over-affectionate and sickly sweet with just a hint of the murderous gleam in her eyes. "Well, I'm finished here. Let's head off, Draco, darling!" Bellatrix pranced out of the room.

Draco followed his aunt as she weaved in and out of different hallways, occasionally peeking behind her to make sure he was still behind her. Every morning, the lesson was in a different room of the manor, and every lesson was something completely different. Draco still remembered his very first lesson with his aunt. He was only five years old, and she had taught him how to control his magic in order to set things on fire, making him practice on grasshoppers. Of course, being five, he didn't really know what to do. Sometimes it had worked, and the grasshopper had exploded into flames, hopping around frantically and setting the living room curtains on fire. Sometimes it hadn't, and the grasshopper had flown out the window….

"Oh Draaaacoooo!"

Bellatrix's voice snapped Draco out of his reverie, and he was surprised to find himself in a room he had never seen. It was very large and had a parlor setting with a fireplace, couches, coffee tables and a china hutch.

"Yes, Auntie?" replied Draco warily. He had no idea what he would be doing in here.

"Now dearie, I realize by now that you are quite skilled at Occlumency, yes? You have had much practice guarding against Snape this past school year, which I am very proud of." She smirked at Draco as though she had been the one to do all the work. "And I believe it is time that you move on to a new subject."

Thoughts whirled through Draco's head. What would it be this time? Torture, death, Unforgivable Curses, dark magic, destruction, sexual practices….. Draco shuddered at this last thought and wished with his entire being that this was not what Bellatrix meant. The last thing he needed was Sexual Education classes from his aunt, who was trapped in a horrid marriage and crazily in love with the most dangerous dark wizard of all time. Draco almost gagged when he remembered the way Bellatrix had practically thrown herself on the Dark Lord the last time he had come to the Manor.

"Ummmm….." was all Draco could say, his mind still dwelling on the dire hope that his aunt would not try to interfere with his so far non-existent sexual life. He didn't need his aunt, of all people, finding out that he was still a virgin. His reputation at school warranted him an automatic "no questions asked" policy that everyone obeyed, both out of fear and respect. But that would all go down the drain if Bellatrix found out and began spreading it amongst the other Death Eaters…

"Ooo, you're just DYING to know what I'm going to teach, aren't you?" taunted Bellatrix. She paused for Draco's response. Receiving none, she went on, "Oh alright, stop nagging me, I'll tell you!" Bellatrix paused again, perhaps for dramatic emphasis. Draco struggled to not roll his eyes again and impatiently fidgeted.

"Draco. You will be learning about—"

Suddenly, a crash came from elsewhere in the Manor.

**A/N : Alright, as this is my first story, it's pretty rough, but reviews are definitely appreciated and desired and will be responded to because I REALLY wanna know what you think! Thanks to my friend Anna for being my unofficial Beta, for giving me the grasshopper idea, and for being obsessed enough with Bellatrix to inspire the writing of this story in the first place.**


	2. Don't Be A Sexist

**A/N: Be warned; this chapter was not Beta-ed since both my Beta and I have been quite busy lately. Please bear with me.  
----As was pointed out in my Beta's review, I did use the name of a friend for the house elf before realizing that she might not appreciate it, so I updated the chapter, replacing the name. That is all.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Nothing's mine. Nada, nunca, nein, zip, zilch, et cetera, et cetera.**

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Draco and Bellatrix stood there for a moment. Bellatrix narrowed her eyes and strained her face, as though trying to hear the very air around them. Draco thought she just looked constipated. After watching her amusedly for a few seconds, he decided to actually find out what was going on and called out, "Nettie!"

A creature with large ears wearing a very dirty dishcloth appeared. The house-elf bowed low to the ground. "Master Draco called for Nettie?"

"Yes. What was that noise?"

"Master Malfoy has guests. Fenrir Greyback came to speak to Master Malfoy and broke the door, sir."

Draco scowled. It was bad enough that he had to see Greyback whenever he was summoned by the Dark Lord, but to have him coming to the house? What business could that sordid werewolf have with Lucius Malfoy? Draco sorely wished that his family was not the only rich one out of all the Death Eaters. Then maybe the other Death Eaters would stop flocking to the Manor. The Dark Lord seemed to prefer staying at the Malfoy Manor over anywhere else, and being around him more than necessary made Draco nervous.

"You may leave, Nettie." The house-elf Disapparated with a pop.

Turning his attention back to the matter at hand, Draco looked at his aunt to see her having yet another one of her mental breakdowns. Her eyes were as wide as saucers and her wand hand twitched uncontrollably. A smirk crossed his face as Draco sat on a black leather couch and waited for the show.

He was not disappointed. Bellatrix threw her head back and let out a piercing screech, her cloak whirling around her as she Apparated to the front room where Draco assumed Greyback still was. Even from his spot in a remote wing of the Manor, he could still hear his aunt producing her tirade. Draco leaned back and closed his eyes, picturing the scene that he had unfortunately witnessed several times before. First the scream, then the throwing….He could tell by the ongoing crashes that Bellatrix was in the midst of this phase, probably chucking the expensive Peruvian vases that his mother cherished so much. "Ah, well," thought Draco lazily. "Maybe this will convince Mother to send Bellatrix away. I wouldn't mind that so much."

Draco mused on this idea of not having his Auntie Bella fawning over him every minute of the day. He realized that his day pretty much centered around whatever Bellatrix had planned for him. The teenager concluded that a life without the crazy Death Eater would be quite a lot more boring.

Draco began wondering whether this would be a good thing or not when the distant crashing stopped. From the silence, he assumed that Bellatrix had begun threatening Greyback in a low voice, staring at him with her half-crazed eyes. It was probably the usual: reporting him to the Dark Lord, cursing him, the Cruciatus Curse, various gruesome deaths, etc. A scream pierced Draco's thoughts, a scream the boy did not recognize at first but then recognized as belonging to Greyback himself. "She must've settled on the Cruciatus Curse," surmised Draco. The scream turned into a howl that grew fainter as Greyback fled the Manor.

Moments later, Bellatrix reappeared in the middle of the room with a pop. Draco hastily fixed his features into a bored expression, pretending to have been unaware of all that transpired in the front room of the house.

"Ah, Draco darling! I just had some…_business_ to take care of," Bellatrix explained, her eyes glinting maliciously. "Anyways, where were we?"

Draco hesitated, torn between aversion to his aunt's craziness and curiosity of what she had to teach him. In the end, his curiosity won out, and he replied, "You were going to teach me something new, Auntie."

Bellatrix's black eyes lit up and a feral grin spread across her face. "Of course, my dear nephew, how could I forget?"

"I will be teaching you interpretive dance."

Draco froze. Did she just say what he thought he said?

"Draco, darling? Did you hear me? I said I'd be teaching you interpretive dance! Aren't you excited?"

Draco blinked. Yes, she had said "interpretive dance." Yes, she was going to be teaching him. Yes, he was still alive and conscious. To make sure, Draco shook his head experimentally. Finding himself still standing in the middle of the room, looking quite shell-shocked to be honest, he gulped a few times, unsure of what to say.

"Ehm, well…I….uh…."

Bellatrix tittered. "Oh Draco, our next lessons should be on articulation! But don't worry, we'll have plenty of time for that in a few months when our dance lessons are finished."

A few months? Draco wondered if his aunt even knew the limit of his flexibility. He was sure the lessons would last one week at the most, with him being shipped off to St. Mungo's for unnatural body contortions.

"Auntie? Um, since when are you an interpretive dancer?"

Bellatrix glared at her nephew. "Really, Draco, you act as though I don't have anything better to do than worship the Dark Lord! I mean, I have a lot of spare time on my hands when I'm not torturing innocent Muggles or catering to the Dark Lord's…needs." She grinned mischievously.

Draco shuddered. He was filled with a desperate longing to Apparate far, far away. He contemplated doing this but realized that he'd have to come back _eventually_, and things would be much worse by then. Not wanting to upset his aunt and incur her quick-tempered wrath, he settled on saying as little as possible and waited for a response to his question, all the while trying to _not _imagine the scenario his aunt had laid out with her last statement.

Bellatrix looked quizzically at Draco as though expecting him to say something more. When he did not, she went on, "Well, it just so happens that I can combine two of my favorite pastimes: serving the Dark Lord and dancing! You know," Bellatrix leaned towards Draco in a confidante sort of way. "I was quite the dancer back in the day. Of course, nobody knew because dancing wasn't a respectable type of thing." She sniffed in an offended sort of manner at this. Draco suspected she was either lying, under the Imperius Curse, or cracked in the head.

"But now, your dear Auntie is passing on her trade. I am going to teach you how to dance your worship of the Dark Lord. I mean, that's all it's really useful for nowadays. There's not much else to do with dance."

Draco could not stand it any longer; he had to say something, protest in some form or fashion.

"But Auntie! I'm a BOY. Boys don't _do _interpretive dance!"

As soon as he blurted it out, he regretted opening his mouth. Bellatrix widened her eyes, a fierce glint flashing through them, a sign that she was about to begin another one of her "tirades." Draco braced himself.

"Draconius Lucius Malfoy." Draco suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as his aunt attempted to sound serious by using his full name. Draconius wasn't even his real name; it was just Draco. But apparently Bellatrix thought it would sound more threatening to add an –nius to the end. It just sounded more Roman in his opinion.

"Are you suggesting that dancing is not _respectable _or _masculine_ enough for you? You have such a sexist attitude about this, just like your father. I have half a mind to curse you right now!"

Draco initially cringed at this threat but then realized that if he were incapacitated to a great enough degree, he would not be able to dance. Draco was again torn, between his dislike of pain and his desire to do anything other than learning to dance. He finally decided that the wisest thing to do would be to continue to do and say as little as possible. As a Malfoy, he had an ample amount of practice in looking haughty and bored, which is exactly what he proceeded to do.

Bellatrix glared at him for a moment, her eyes raking over his body as if examining him like a broomstick for purchase.

"Well, darling, I must say that you're a bit too scrawny at the moment," sneered Bellatrix. "But I'm sure my training will strengthen you up enough to take on this challenge."

Draco continued to look uninterested though his insides were boiling at that comment. Hadn't she realized that he'd been under too much stress in the past year to worry about his upper body strength? "Of course," Draco mused. "Compared to Azkaban, my problems probably seem like cake to her. I bet she trained from punching her imaginary friends. Or rather, imaginary enemies…"

"Oh Dracoooooo!!!"

The teen was shaken from his thoughts by his aunt shooting multicolored sparks into his face. They flew up his nose straight to his sinuses, giving him a burning sensation in his nose, only comparable to eating a spoonful of wasabi without the sushi on the side.

Bellatrix again glared viciously at Draco. As the black eyes met the grey, he could see the maniacal glint in his aunt's eye and mentally questioned her sanity for perhaps the hundredth time that morning.

"Draco. If I'm going to teach you _anything_, I need your full and undivided attention," Bellatrix whispered piercingly. "Is that understood?"

Draco nodded stiffly. Bellatrix widened her eyes and drew herself up to her full height. Though the two were the same height, she seemed to tower over Draco, who almost cowered at the power and ferocity she was emanating.

"I said, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!" screeched Bellatrix, her chest heaving and her spit flying all over the carpet. Draco silently cast a Shield Charm to protect himself from unwanted saliva and potential dangerous hexes.

"Yes, Aunt Bellatrix," replied Draco slowly and articulately, speaking how he would act if he were approaching a wild hippogriff.

Bellatrix stared for another moment before blinking and resuming her previous manner of oozing sweetness and affection towards her nephew. "Alright then, let's get started! First, I'm going to give you a demonstration of the proper form of interpretive dance because you probably have no idea what it is!" Bellatrix giggled at this, though the "giggle" sounded more like a cackle.

Draco sighed inwardly, threw himself on a leather couch, and tried not to look as his Auntie Bella began her show.

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**A/N: Thanks to _Love-Padfoot-and-Moony, Whispering-Lestrange, MeIzzyBambi27, and sparklegirl13 _for the reviews! They are much appreciated :)  
Thanks also to friend Anna, now officially _The Obsessionist_, for being my unofficial Beta and my personal Bellatrix and for randomly giving me the interpretive dance idea. **


	3. The Schizophrenic Tango

**A/N: I am sooooo incredibly sorry I haven't updated in _forever_ but what with school and final exams and a play that just opened this week, I have been crazily-busy! But now it's finally summer, and I hope to have future (longer) chapters up on a more regular basis. With that, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I think you know. It's not mine. Yep.**

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Bellatrix flicked her wand, and all the furniture in the room vanished, to be replaced with a single piece of dance equipment in the middle of the room. Draco, thrown unceremoniously on the floor as the leather couch beneath him disappeared, groaned when he spotted the item Bellatrix had conjured up. He sat up, looking quite disheveled, and closed his eyes, wishing it would all go away.

"DRACO!"

The teenager cracked open one eyelid, knowing what would come next.

"How do you expect to learn _anything_ if you have your eyes closed?" Bellatrix sniffed, "It's not like _you_, with your _extensive_ dance experience, can expect to learn just by being in my presence."

Draco unwillingly opened the other eye and quickly scooted back across the plush green carpet as it rippled across the room, changing into a hard wooden floor. Too soon, his back hit the wall; Draco still wasn't as far from his aunt as he would have liked to be.

"Comfy, dear?" Bellatrix grinned wickedly. "Now, for the proper attire and music…"

Pointing her wand at herself, Bellatrix transfigured her black robes into a skintight black bodysuit, complete with black gloves. With her hair remaining loose and untamed, she gave off the appearance of a particularly lethal jungle cat. Draco thought she looked rather like a doxy, but he didn't dare mention that to her. Next, Bellatrix waved her wand in a complicated pattern around her head. Immediately, music began playing out of nowhere, as though it was pouring out of the very air particles surrounding them.

Bellatrix took her stance next to the bar but not touching it. When the music changed from soft, inconsequential notes to a louder, pulsing rhythm, she began to dance.

If you could call it dance. Apparently, she was trying to dance the tango. With herself. As both people.

Such an attempt brought out the schizophrenic component of Bellatrix's "crazy." She jerked back and forth from one side to the other, first dancing the male, then the female. At times, she clutched the bar as if it were her invisible partner. "She's probably imagining it's Voldemort," thought Draco nauseously as he was forced to watch her flailing around.

Draco was just imagining what would happen if his aunt were replaced by one of the sexy 7th year Slytherins with himself as her partner when the music slowed to a reprise of the beginning. As it did, Bellatrix slowed her dance to gentler movements until she came to rest on the ground, kneeling at the foot of the bar with her forehead touching the ground, almost reverently.

Draco yawned.

Bellatrix snapped her head up and glared at him. She sat up, her chest heaving and sweat plastering her hair to her forehead.

"Now…Draco…" She was horribly out of breath and had to gulp lungfuls of air between every other word. "Now…you know…what to do…It's your…your turn."

Draco bit his tongue in order to keep himself from snickering at her obvious flustered and decomposed state. His amusement faded when Bellatrix stood up, apparently recovered, and stalked over to him. She seized his arm and dragged him to a spot near the bar. He tried to lean away from it as though it was contaminated, but that meant leaning towards his heaving and sweaty aunt, which caused him to lean back towards the bar. In the end, Draco tried to stand as straight as he could, determined to touch as little of either as possible.

"Come on, dearie!" Bellatrix had caught her breath and was resuming her insanely affectionate demeanor. "It's time for you to dance."

Draco stood there like a statue. Did she really expect him to do what she had done? It had mostly been flailing and shaking of parts of the female anatomy that Draco so obviously…lacked.

"Um, Auntie? Am I supposed to do what you just did?" Draco asked tentatively.

Bellatrix, mistaking his thinly disguised horror for curiosity, grinned widely. "Well, Draco, I'm glad to see you've finally taken an interest!" Before her nephew could protest, she went on, "No, dearie, you won't be doing _exactly_ what I did because I'm at a more advanced level while you are just a beginner. But if you pay attention and do as I say, soon you will be as skilled as I."

Without warning, Bellatrix pointed her wand at Draco, and his robes were immediately transfigured into a bodysuit similar to hers. Finding out that it was made of leather only increased Draco's discomfort. He could barely move without chafing some part of his body, and some parts were more uncomfortable than others…

"Auntie…" Draco struggled to speak. "Auntie, I'm not dancing in this. I can barely move as it is."

Bellatrix laughed hysterically. "Why Draco, isn't that what magic is for?"

Draco visibly relaxed. If he was forced to dance, at least he could do it comfortably.

As though she knew what he was thinking, Bellatrix interrupted his thoughts, "Of course, dearie, it's all a learning process. Which is why I won't use magic on you just yet. You have to _feel _it! _Feel_ the _work_ and the _sweat_ and the _pain_ that comes from being-" she thrust her hips to the side and flipped a hand in the air, giving Draco a good view of her awful pit stains, "wholly and completely _devoted _to the Dark Lord." With that, she stalked away from Draco only to begin circling him like a cat watching its prey.

Draco was determined to make one last attempt, "Look, Aunt Bellatrix, I really don't think this is a good idea. I should just leave the dancing to you." He casually stepped towards the door.

Bellatrix halted her circling and scrutinized him. "You know, Draco, that color suits you. I see why you insisted on wearing black and gray suits the entire school year. Yes, it emphasizes your eyes….IMPERIO!"

Bellatrix's spell hit Draco right in the chest just as he was about to slip out the door. The teen inwardly cursed himself for being too unsubtle. He felt the familiar tingling sensation of the Imperius Curse wash over him.

"Now, Draco, I see I have been too lenient on you," Bellatrix's voice came in a dangerously low whisper. "The time for idle chat is over. The time to dance has begun."

At a flick of the wand, Draco's arms flew up, and he walked over to his aunt. His arms placed themselves on his aunt's hips and involuntarily drew her closer. She breathed in his ear, "This would be so much better if you weren't gay."

All Draco could think was, "_Mind puke, mind puke, mind puke, wait, she thinks I'm gay? Mind puke, mind puke…"_

Bellatrix took one of his hands from her hip and held it in the tango position. She suddenly crushed against him and whispered, "Your father had the same issue…"

There was a BANG and a scream of "INCEST!"

And Narcissa Malfoy fainted in the doorway.

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**A/N: Thanks to**_**Whispering-Lestrange, sparklegirl13, takara410,**_**and**_**fireborn19**_**for the reviews! I love reviews; they keep me writing!****  
****Thanks also to** _The Obsessionist_**, my wonderful Beta who puts up with my weird tangents and kept the dance PG-rated because Dracotrix is** _not_** something I'm a fan of. **

******Now for an advertisement: _The Obsessionist_ is a wonderful writer, and I urge you to read her story, The Wedding Day, which is about Bellatrix but from Andromeda's view. I really think it's a meaningful look into the Black sisters' relationship, so you should check it out ;)  
**


	4. Incest: It Runs in the Family

**A/N: Ah, it's been aeons since I've updated! I apologize greatly to all my readers; I won't even try to give excuses, other than that it's been a loooooong and stressful year. Anyway, to make up for it (and because Ch. 4 is a bit short), here's a DOUBLE posting. Chapter 5 will be up in a matter of minutes :)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Duh.**

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Draco and Bellatrix stood frozen in their positions, too shocked to move. Of course, Draco didn't really have a choice; he couldn't move if he wanted to. It was the first time, however, he'd ever seen his aunt lose her composure, and he was still unsure whether it was from shock or from some deviously crazy plan that she had up her sleeve.

It appeared to be the latter because a second later, Bellatrix turned back to Draco and grinned maliciously. "Well, now that we have an audience, we can continue."

As she said this, she pointed her wand at Narcissa's prone form and levitated the slender figure to where Draco had previously been sitting. As she did this, her control over Draco's mind faltered slightly, but that, combined with the teenager's rage at seeing his mother treated in such a way, was enough for him to break free of the Imperius Curse.

Acting upon impulse, Draco extracted his wand from his robes and yelled, "Expelliarmus!" at his aunt before sprinting towards his mother. He was halfway to her when he heard his aunt shriek, "HOW DARE YOU!" and was tackled violently to the ground.

It felt like he had a giant cat on top of his back, what with her enormous amount of hair, her feline claws, and the primitive pouncing position she was holding on top of his spine. Draco's wand flew out of his hand and clattered across the wooden floor.

Before Bellatrix could do anything lethal to her nephew, however, another loud BANG was heard in the doorway. This time, it was Lucius standing in the doorway, his wand emitting red sparks into the air and his face wearing a twisted expression of horror and disgust.

"What- I mean, you two- Well, I was…" Lucius couldn't seem to decide whether he was more angry or embarrassed.

"Bellatrix, you- well, Draco, you- It's just that I was on my way…Uh…yes…IT'S TIME FOR LUNCH!" With a harried glance, Lucius fled the doorway.

"Take your wife with you!" called Bellatrix, and at the flick of her wand, Narcissa rose into the air with her arms outstretched and like a spectral figure flew out the doorway. A few seconds later, Draco heard a girlish shriek and a crash of bodies.

"Well, normally I'd ignore that little interruption and continue with the lesson, as I'm sure you'd like me to, but I am feeling a bit peckish. What say we pick this up after lunch, dearie?" And with a pop, Bellatrix disappeared.

Draco sighed in relief, partly from the removal of his aunt's presence but also from the removal of her knee on his spleen. He stood up and brushed of his clothes, glad he had chosen Muggle clothing over his usual silk suit. Perhaps if he looked presentable at lunch, his parents wouldn't suspect-

Draco cursed at himself; of course his parents would know. They had been standing in the doorway, for Merlin's sake! He mentally cringed at the thought of lunch with the three of them: his mother, who thought he was committing incest, his father, who had probably experienced the same incestual treatment from Bellatrix, and his aunt, who had initiated said incestual actions.

Shaking his blonde hair out of his eyes (he had forgotten to slick it back that morning), the teenager glanced around the room in exasperation. How in the world was he supposed to fix it to the way it looked before? After a couple feeble attempts at transfiguring the bar into a black leather couch and only succeeding at turning it vertical, he gave up, hoping his aunt wouldn't take him back to the room because who knew what she'd try to teach him with a pole…

Back in his bedroom, Draco paced back and forth, trying to think of an excuse not to go to lunch. Groaning in frustration, he flopped facedown on his Slytherin-green bed.

"Nellie!" he yelled, his voice muffled by the blanket.

With a loud pop, a house elf appeared in the room.

"Master Draco called for Nellie?" squeaked the tiny creature.

"Tell my parents that I will not be coming down for lunch. I-" Draco faltered, looking around him helplessly until his gaze fell upon his Hand of Glory, "decided to fix my Hand of Glory."

"Does Master Draco want Nellie to help him?" Nellie asked imploringly.

"No, no, no, I can do it myself," Draco hurriedly replied. "And tell my parents that I do not require any help from them OR Aunt Bellatrix. In fact, tell Aunt Bellatrix that I am simply too busy to continue any of my afternoon lessons. She will understand that fixing evil artifacts is more important than learning whatever shite she has to teach me." Draco paused. "But don't include the shite part."

"Yes, Master." Nellie disappeared with a pop.

Draco stared blankly around the room for a moment, then let out a yell of teenage angst, tearing his hair in frustration (not literally). When he closed his mouth, however, the screaming continued, but from a different part of the house. And sounding distinctly more feminine. And insane. He had a good guess as to who it was. Instead of opening the door to confirm his suspicions, Draco did what any normal teenage boy in such a situation would do: he flicked his wand to produce deafening Weird Sisters music and flopped down on the bed, closing his eyes and letting his muscles go limp.

After what seemed like an aeon, he opened his eyes. At first, he thought the light in the room had gone out as he stared into blackness, but he soon realized that the dark depths he was staring into was not, in fact, an absence of light in the room, but an absence of soul in another's eyes.

"Augh!" cried Draco, bolting upward and scrambling away from the figure hovering inches from his face.

Bellatrix swirled across the room and turned sharply to face him. "Too busy, are you?" she sneered at him, holding her wand threateningly in his face. "Not enough time for your _dear-"_ BANG_, _she sent a stream of red light out, causing random objects to explode, "-_Auntie-_" BANG_, _"-_Bella!_" BOOM, his entire desk blew up in a cloud of smoke.

Draco jumped up in fury, opening his mouth to curse his aunt, but before he could, Bellatrix let out a mad cackle of rage and disappeared in puff of suffocating black smoke.

After coughing the smoke out of his lungs for a few minutes, Draco looked around his room helplessly. It was completely and utterly destroyed. Heaving a great sigh, he set to restoring his items one at a time with the thought, "_Well, it's not the first time._"

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**Thanks so much to **_**MeIzzyBambi27, takara410, Etain-Cassiopeia-Lestrange, fireborn19, slytheringrl573, laimposteur, BlinkYourEyes, Mimi, **_**and **_**crocus incendia **_**for reviewing! (And also for reminding me to post more chapters!)**

**And again, much love to my Beta, **_**The Obsessionist**_**, my Bellatrix who writes amazing stories that you all should go read, too :)**

**Stay tuned; Chapter 5 will be up in 3…2…1…**


	5. Hair Gel Is Not For Pansies

**A/N: Just as I promised, Chapter 5 is up!**

**Disclaimer: Yep, I came up with everything. Except I didn't.**

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An hour later, Draco was sitting at his repaired desk, his room back in order- or, rather, back to the casually messy state it had been at beforehand. His face was bent close to the desktop over a scroll of parchment, open textbooks and broken discarded quills scattered around it. An ink blot decorated his pale cheek, and his blonde hair was distinctly rumpled. Draco scratched his head with the tip of his quill as he stared at the words he had written so far:

_Charms: A Useful Subject_

_Charms is a useful subject to learn because_

But no matter how hard he thought, the teenage boy could not come up with a single reason as to why Charms class was in any way worthwhile. Sure, he thought, he learned useful spells, but those were spells he could have taught himself, and in half the time it took Professor Flitwick to teach them to the class. "_I'm wasting my time right now, aren't I?_" he asked himself. "_Professor Flitwick thought he'd do us a favor and make us write this stupid personal essay instead of doing research all summer. I'd rather read a textbook than tell that old codger what I think of _Charms_._"

A soft pop interrupted his musings. "_Oh no,_" Draco mentally groaned. He knew what he would see when he turned around. Instead of confirming his suspicions, he continued to examine his textbooks, pretending he was deeply immersed in his work and thus had not heard anything. He felt a presence over his shoulder. Finally, swallowing his fear, Draco turned his face upward. Sure enough, his aunt Bellatrix was staring down at him.

"Whatcha doin'?" she asked in a girlish tone.

"Charms homework," replied Draco in a monotone.

"Oo, can I help?" asked Bellatrix, more excitedly than she should have.

"Aunt Bellatrix, you told me Charms was a useless class made for lesser wizards," Draco reminded her, a bit disturbed by her cheeriness.

"Well, yes, I did darling. But if Charms is something that you absolutely _must_ complete before we can continue with our lessons, then I am perfectly happy to—" she nudged her nephew's shoulder, "—speed the process along!"

Draco narrowed his eyes suspiciously, wondering what meaning was hidden behind her words, but before he could open his mouth to respond, Bellatrix snapper her wand at his scroll of paper. Draco's eyes popped back open as the scroll began to fill itself with words, as though an invisible hand were writing his essay for him. But not just any invisible hand. His _own_ invisible hand, for the words were all in his own handwriting. As the writing continued on, he snatched up the parchment and hurriedly read the freshly written words.

_Charms: A Useful Subject_

_Charms is a useful subject to learn because it exposes the wise, superior, compassionate, understanding, knowledgeable, brilliant, skilled Pureblood wizard to the lesser, inferior, bumbling, disdainful, unworthy, odorous capabilities (or lack thereof) of all other wizards and witches who are enrolled in such a despicable, laughable, useless, and unnecessary class as Charms class. Charms gives me the experience necessary to warn all other comrades of the complete and utter waste of time and effort it is, although in reality, I expel no such effort in said class. Also, the teacher is a dunghead arse who is too short to even punch me in the balls and who was wholly unjustified in giving my dear, sweet, kind, caring, considerate, loveable, compassionate…_

(Draco skipped down six inches of parchment)

…_brilliant, talented, ingenious, devoted, prudent, cunning, witty, sagacious…_

(Draco skipped to the next scroll of parchment)

…_perceptive, catty, murderous, sympathetic, vindictive, draconian (ah! My namesake) aunt, whom I love dearly and am fully devoted to, a DETENTION_ (here, the handwriting became messier, and for some reason, ink splots appeared, which was strange to Draco as the invisible hand didn't seem to be using an ink pot) _for simply stating her mind in Charms class, i.e. that Professor Filius Goblin-Fu-_ (Draco's eyes widened in horror, and he hurriedly scratched out the expletives with his own quill before continuing to read) _Flitwick is a _(Draco growled in frustration and dumped his inkpot over the six inches of ranting that followed. The invisible hand, however, continued to write) _and I demand that he apologize to me _(The invisible hand paused; _me_ was quickly scratched out and replaced with _my aunt_) _or else I will torture him and turn him into my pet dormouse. For my aunt.  
And that is why Charms is a useful subject to learn._

Speechless, Draco turned to find Bellatrix still standing behind him, wand pointed toward the parchment, but with her face scrunched up in what was probably effortful concentration but what looked like painful constipation. He guessed that she was mentally controlling the invisible hand (thus the ink blots and mistaken self-references), a thought confirmed by the conclusion of the writing when her face smoothed out to its former derisive smirk.

"Alright, dearie, now that we're finished with that, we can pick up where we left off this morning!" exclaimed Bellatrix maniacally.

Draco suppressed a groan; he couldn't possibly tell his aunt that the essay was a piece of rubbish that he was going to burn the moment she left his room. After the destruction she had wrought upon his bedroom only an hour before, he could only expect physical punishment for any further transgressions. He cast a wild glance around the room, looking for something, _anything_ to use as an excuse…

"Hair gel!" he blurted out. Bellatrix's head swiveled around to stare at where Draco was pointing: a silver jar sitting on his cabinet, labeled with the bright green letters,

_Gel-o-Lock  
__If you want wavy blond hair,  
__a dashingly handsome countenance,  
__and strikingly devilish features,  
__use the product made by the ideal…  
__Order of Merlin, Third Class  
__Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League  
__Five-Time Winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award  
__Gilderoy Lockhart  
__You, too, can aspire to be like him.  
__Gel-o-Lock_

_Created by Gilderoy Lockhart  
__Endorsed by Gilderoy Lockhart_

Below the inscription was a picture of Draco's old Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, smiling and waving, occasionally flipping his hair back to advertise the holding effects of _Gel-o-Lock._ Draco's face turned red as the picture winked at Bellatrix. She turned towards him with an undecipherable expression on her face.

"I can explain—" started Draco. How was he supposed to tell his aunt that he wasn't a pansy (and that he definitely was not in any way, shape, or form like Pansy)? That he only used _Gel-o-Lock_ because of its absolute ineffectualness at producing wavy hair and instead for its extreme ability to harden his hair into a protective shield over his head, allowing him additional security against his aunt's hexes (especially those poorly aimed when she was "under the influence")? That hair was one of the most important aspects of his physical appearance, and once he found a good product, he would stick by it, even if it meant seeing that white-toothed golden-haired prick every morning? That he—

Bellatrix interrupted the argument he was conducting with himself, "Ohh, I know what you want to do!" her face relaxing into an expression of realization, "Yoouuuu want to practice your dark magic by hexing the smile off that pansy-boy's face!" She giggled insanely and even jumped up and down, clapping her hands together like a little girl. Except she didn't look like a little girl when she did it; she looked like a crazy old bat, with her robes flapping up and down like wings.

"Uh…um…no, Auntie, that's not what I was going to do," stuttered Draco, fumbling for an alternative activity. "What I wanted to do was…uh…." His eyes fell upon the _Guide to Advanced Transfiguration_ book, lying open upon his desk. "I was going to do my Transfiguration homework." The teenager silently congratulated himself for coming up with a legitimate-sounding excuse. "Uh, yeah, since I'm of age, I have to learn a bunch of spells over the summer." _"Yeah, that sounded reasonable. There's no way she can question that…"_

Of course, Draco knew his aunt well enough that he was expecting some sort of retort. Thus, he was surprised when she smiled enormously and replied, "Oh, of course, darling! Well, I'll just sit on your bed and watch." And she proceeded to do just that.

"Um…okay, then," Draco responded hesitantly. "Are you sure you don't want to…you know, leave? I mean, you could go collapse another bridge or something instead of waiting for me to finish."

Anger flashed across Bellatrix's face, but Draco didn't even have time to recoil before it was replaced with the same extravagant grin. "Absolutely not, dear! I'm here to help you! I wouldn't want you to struggle with this all afternoon when I could impart upon you some of my extensive knowledge and experience!" With that, she crossed her legs as properly as she had the ability to and looked at her nephew expectantly.

Repressing a sigh, Draco turned to his desk and bent over his transfiguration textbook._ "Now I need to find a spell to learn…"_

* * *

**Reviews make me happy! Hopefully a sixth chapter will be up in good time, but reviews definitely help "speed the process along." (Yes, I just quoted myself; I am that cool). **

**Even though this chapter was un-Beta-ed, thanks as always to my Beta **_**The Obsessionist**_** for inspiring me with her own stories :)**


	6. The Wild Bellatrix in Her Native Habitat

**A/N: Okay, I think you've all realized by now that I'm super bad at promptness with updating, and for that, I sincerely apologize, but I just have a lot going on (as I always do) and not as much time for writing as I'd like :( But I promise that I'll never abandon a story! EVER! So you can always count on that.**

Also, it has been brought to my attention by reviewers _OpheliaBlack_ and _.vanilla_ that in the first chapter, Bellatrix couldn't have taught Draco when he was five because she was in Azkaban. This is true, but taking into consideration the fact that my greatest weakness with the HP world is keeping track of dates and years and etc., we're going to pretend that she momentarily escaped prison in order to teach Draco how to set grasshoppers on fire but then was sent back to Azkaban, and J.K. Rowling's memory was altered so she has absolutely no recollection of this interlude in Bella's life. Problem solved. Sorry to anyone who doesn't believe that, but maybe your memory was altered too; you never know... Anyway, on with the story!

**Disclaimer: I think we all understand by now that this isn't mine. Wish it was, but it's not.**

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Draco picked up his Transfiguration textbook and slowly flipped through the pages, trying to find a spell he could use on his bottle of hair gel. _Animating cacti, changing desks into goats…No, no, no, _he thought. These spells were completely useless.

Bellatrix made a snort of impatience and flicked her wand at the book. It flew into her hands, pages rapidly flipping until it fell open on a spell near the back of the book. She smirked at Draco, who narrowed his eyes apprehensively. He had a bad feeling about the situation.

"Drakie, I am going to teach you a spell that will aid you in your education in the Dark Arts," Bellatrix said abruptly. "Shall we begin?"

Draco didn't hear her. He couldn't get over the fact that she had called him "Drakie."

"Alright, let's begin!" She ignored Draco's glazed expression and whipped out her wand like a knife slashing through the air. Her wand pointed directly at the jar of hair gel, Bellatrix shrieked, "Protare locomotor!" The spell hit Lockhart square in the face. To Draco's utmost horror, the smiling blond figure glowed and grew, his body forming beneath him and out of the jar label, until he was able to step off of the jar and into the room before them.

"Hello!" Lockhart beamed jovially, his chest puffed out and his eyebrow raised in what he seemed to think was a dashing manner but what Draco perceived as a severe case of constipation. Lockhart looked around the room expectantly, recoiling slightly from Draco's piercing glare, eyes falling instead upon Bellatrix, whose face held a combination of maliciousness, lunacy, and…something else. As Draco watched the two of them, he could see a flicker of expression completely different from his aunt's usual countenance but couldn't discern what exactly it was. Determined to figure it out, he stepped back into the shadow of his bookshelf to observe.

"Ah, Gilderoy, is it?" Bellatrix purred, "And you are...a hair model?" She sauntered up to the grinning man now bouncing on his toes and placed one hand on his head, stroking it, as she set her chin on his shoulder in the way that she always did when she wanted to persuade/creep out others. "Hm, I think we can have some fun with you."

Observing his aunt leaning on his old teacher, Draco noticed that Lockhart was not, indeed, a real person but some sort of apparition, solid enough to touch but slightly more transparent than a normal human would be. This transparency, however, didn't seem to bother his aunt the least bit as she began to slowly circle Lockhart, her eyes fixed upon his face.

"Now. _Gilderoy,_" murmured Bellatrix seductively, "Tell me—"

Hold on, there! Seductively? Draco froze, shocked. Did his ears deceive him? Had the detached narration of his life accidentally made the wrong choice of words? Mind reeling from the revelation of his aunt's more promiscuous side, Draco's senses came back in time for him to see Lockhart make some attempt at a witty reply, accompanied by an exaggerated wink, to which Bellatrix responded with a giggle.

Giggling! Draco didn't know what to think anymore. His aunt, his infamous Mudblood-torturing and Muggle-killing Death Eater of an aunt, was _giggling_ like a first-year schoolgirl! _"This is just too bizarre,"_ Draco thought. _"I thought she was going to torture him, or at least experiment on him. But not flirt with him. Hm, I wonder what the Dark Lord would say if he knew…"_

**ooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooo**

_Beeeeelllatrixxxx….  
_

_Yes, my Lord?_

_Get up. Come clossssser._

_Yes, of course, my Lord._

_I have heard rumorsssss…._

_R-r-rumors? Of what, my Lord?_

_Rumorsssss of your recccccent activitiesssssss._

_My Lord, I only live to serve you. Everything I do is in your name, for you, only for you._

_Ah, sssso your dealingsssss with other men have been…for me?_

_M-my dealings…with other men? My Lord, I can assure you—_

_Do not lie to me, Bella. I know what you have been up to in that manor. Now, tell me, if you are truly devoted only to me, then what issssss the purpossse of thesssse endeavorsssss of yourssss?_

_My Lord...I must confess the truth; I am seeing another man._

_I know thisssss._

_But My Lord, it is only because I am lonely without you and I cannot stand being just a toy! And because Gilderoy is quite handsome, but besides that…_

_Get to the point, Bella._

_Yes, My Lord. I wanted to make you jealous because—_

_Isss that all?_

_I LOVE YOU!_

_AVADA KADAVRA!_

**oooooooOOOOOOOooooooooo**

Okay, so maybe it wouldn't happen exactly like that. Draco wondered if maybe he'd heard one too many soap operas on the wireless (which, he told himself, was not of his own volition; his mother was the one who turned on the radio every morning….he was just too lazy to ever change the station...and he _had_ to know when Anthony and Tracey would finally break up because they simply did not belong together. He was a halfblood Ravenclaw, and she was a pureblood Slytherin, and Draco knew from experience that those types of relationships _never _ended well. Come to think of it, none of his past relationships ended very well at all…)

Draco was shaken from his musings on his trials in the department of love by the sight of his aunt's attempts to succeed in it. Bellatrix's leg was now wrapped around Lockhart's as she intensely stared up at him from underneath her eyelids. Lockhart seemed a bit bewildered and taken aback but not all too displeased.

"Well. Um, Madam. I presume that you'd like me to tell you about the, ehm, the secret magical powers that my hair gel possesses. I mean, ehem, that is…er, well, that is to say…"

It seemed that the normally one-dimensional, charmingly vague, dashingly empty personality of Draco's old Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had been overcome by his aunt's own bizarre appearance and her unconventional methods of seduction. Bellatrix had begun to circle Lockhart again, her body undulating around him like a possessed gypsy dancing around the campfire, the entire time trailing her fingers along his shoulders and then across his back, slipping them inside his robes and down his chest, further and further until…

SLAM!

Draco was gone.

Bellatrix glared at the closed door, shrugged, and continued her mating ritual.

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**Thanks to _Gamma Orionis_, _draketodeath_, _Ophelia Black_, _TheEvanescentOne_, and _Riaquean _ for the lovely reviews! And as always, a huge thank you to the brilliant _The Obessionist_ for keeping me writing and for being my Bellatrix!**


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